It's been awhile

Yeah, I have not posted in some time. Life's been a little on the hectic and upsetting side. I left my stupid, deadbeat husband, and had to leave all my possessions (and kids' possessions) as well. I've been trying to adjust to living with my friend, which is hard only because once you've spent your adult life living as head of your own household, it's not easy to adjust to being a part of someone else's. My kids are probably adjusting better than me, because as kids, they just SHOW their emotions, be it by screaming and crying, or by being combative, argumentative or disrespectful. Most of the time they are their typical, happy selves, but they have those moments of complete "melt-down," which is to be expected during an upheaval of this sort.

Me? I try to put on a happy face and try not to show any fear or pain.

I mean, of course no one expects me to be Miss Sunshine, but geez, I am 7 months pregnant and striking out into the waters of Single Mom-hood for the first time. Trying to psych oneself up for the anticipated custody battles and mind-games of a control-freak, abusive husband (who's all the more pissed for having been stripped of his control) is bad enough - trying to do it while full of raging pregnancy hormones is something else entirely. Something that might usually make you a little irritated and possibly upset suddenly has you crying uncontrollably at your desk while unsuccessfully attempting to make your co-workers believe it's just allergies. Half the people here don't even know I've done this. The other half don't know what to say.

I don't want him back - I would not survive more of that kind of life. And my kids deserve so much better. But I am not ready for the fight, even though I know I am in the best position to win it. I just want to fast-forward about a year into the future, to where all this might be over or at least relatively MORE resolved than it is now. I can't even file papers on him - neither of us is currently in the county of residence that the filing would have to take place in. Which is the county we resided in for the last 90 days. (It means he can't file either.) Besides, nothing would come of it - a divorce can't be resolved or even really initiated until the baby is born.

I'm just tired, I guess. My life has been nothing but abuse and mind-games for the last 7 years. It just gets to you, especially once you finally get the strength to break out, but realize it isn't really over yet.

Sorry, guys. Just needed to get some of it off my chest.