Two by two

Compliments of Jerm's blog...

Two Names You Go By? Angie and Mama... depending on where I'm at, of course, and who's addressing me.
Two things you are wearing right now? Khaki maternity pants and a marroon maternity shirt. I'm about sick of maternity clothes, btw.
Two of your favorite things? Like Jerm, I don't want to label people as things, so I will refrain from saying "my kids" and instead... I'd have to say my Sharpie markers and my books. Yes, I'm a geek.
Two things you want very badly at the moment? More money to get my son his prescriptions and paid time off for maternity leave.
Two favorite pets you have or had? My dog, Mags, from back when I was in high school, and my cat, Rowdy, that I had to give up a couple of years ago. (I hate you, David.)
Two people you hope will fill this out? Umm... I don't know who has yet, but I guess I'd say Carrie and Sneff.
Two things you did last night? Strung beads into a necklace and washed a load of laundry. Oh, the fun.
Two things you ate last night? Chicken legs and egg noodles. That wasn't it, that was just two of the ingredients in Vikki's rockin' casserole.
Two people you last talked to? Linda Vela and Tommy Tompkins (fellow secretary and my boss)
Two things you are doing tomorrow? Driving to work (maybe) and pecking away on the computer (for sure)
Two of farthest trips taken in the last 5 years? Konawa, Oklahoma and Killeen, Texas. I don't get out much.
Two favorite beverages? Breve Cafe Latte and iced herbal tea

Very Briefly

This is a real news story?

(AP) WASHINGTON - At least one member of Congress has his knickers in a twist over the subject of... panties.

In a debate about the way detainees are treated at Guantanamo Bay, California Republican Dana Rohrabacher argued that it's not torture to make suspected terrorists wear women's underwear on their heads.

Rohrabacher was taking issue with FBI complaints about inappropriate and potentially illegal tactics used to get al-Qaida detainees to talk. He said interrogation-by-panties was more akin to "hazing," not torture.

He mentioned the word "panties" eight times during a House Foreign Affairs Committee hearing.

Massachusetts Democrat Bill Delahunt pointedly told Rohrabacher that the issue went beyond panties, saying interrogators were also seen physically abusing detainees.

Rohrabacher declared he would never apologize for someone putting panties on the head of a 9-11 terrorist.

Questions for the Adults Amongst Us?

((From James Goodman's Myspace bulletin... which by the way, the original survey was missing a few numbered questions. So I added my own. I'm weird like that.))

(Meant to be completed by those out of high school) Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? 'Have you ever kissed someone?' 'Missed someone?' 'Told someone you loved them?' 'Drank alcohol?' 'What was your last text?'

Here are 50 questions for the people who are a little more "mature"...

1.What bill do you hate paying the most?
My car insurance.It's so much!!! I hate it that they hold your credit score against you - insurance is not given on a credit basis, so what difference does it make if the spousal unit has screwed up my credit??

2.Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
I don't recall the last time I had a romantic dinner. I'm not kidding.

3.Last time you puked from drinking?
Probably New Year's, ringing in 2007. I was pregnant this last New Year's so I didn't drink.

4.When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Honestly, I have NEVER done this.

5.Name of your first grade teacher?
I don't recall. I think that was the year I was in the smart-kids' program... we had super-bright children from different grade levels who worked at little round tables with different teachers who sort of guided them to learn rather than strictly teaching.

6.What do you really want to be doing right now?
I really want to be at home, asleep. Resting. Gathering energy for the impending birth of this child.

7.What did you want to be when you were growing up?
At various times, I wanted to be a graphic artist, a lawyer, a teacher, a rock star and a spaceship pilot.

8.How many colleges did you attend?
Two or three. I'm not done yet.

9.What made you decide to wear the shirt you have on right now?
It's comfy. Has short sleeves. Most of my maternity work-appropriate shirts are long-sleeved and it's hot right now.

10.GAS PRICES?
Eating me a new asshole and ruining the close-held love I've always had for my purty red truck.

11.Where would you move if you could live anywhere?
The southern coast of Spain along the Mediterranean. I'd send pictures to my ex every week just to make him seethe with jealousy.

12.First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Fuck. Already????

13.Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Please Gabbi, go to sleep....

14.Favorite style of underwear?
Hi-cut bikini

15.Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Depends on the guy. Some guys absolutely should NOT wear briefs.*shudder*

16.What errand/chore do you despise?
Doing the dishes.

17.If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
Yes, definitely.

18.Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in. Oh wait, I have little kids, boodles of them. So I don't EVER get that chance.

19.What is your favorite cartoon character?
Wile E.Coyote

20.Do you read the Bible?
Nope. If I want fiction, I pick up a novel that is more entertaining than that one.

21.Did you get anything in your stocking last Christmas?
Yeah, I put a couple of things in there so my kids wouldn't think I'd been bad and Santa had skipped me. On the other hand... their dad got absolutely nothing, bwahahahahaha!!!!

22.When did you first start feeling old?
About five years ago.

23.Have you ever ridden a train?
Only the Tarantula train (restored old-west steamer) from Grapevine to Ft. Worth and back.

24.Your favorite lunch meat?
Roast beef

25.Favorite kind of coffee?
Either Starbuck's Verona blend or 100% Colombian

26.How do you prefer your eggs to be cooked?
Usually scrambled, but sometimes over-medium

27.Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
It's overrated. You can be "married" without having the Christianized, legalized ritual that involves signing contracts and promising to be with someone till you DIE. Marriage, to me, is a state of mind, rather than a contractual arrangement. Or, at least, it should be.

28.Where did you go last time you took an airline flight?
I don't even remember the last flight I took... I think it was from Pittsburgh to Oklahoma City, but I am not sure.

29.Favorite guilty pleasure?
Hmmmm.... That's a tough one... going out to a nice restaurant for a steak dinner, I suppose, though it's been so long since THAT'S happened, it really would be a treat!

30.Who gave you your last massage?
My best-friend's step-daughter, Breena. She gives neck and back rubs, but damn does she get a little rough sometimes.

31.What's your favorite alcoholic drink?
Cold Corona with lime. I stay away from liquor.

32.Cowboys or Indians?
They are Native Americans, thank you very much!!!!

33.Cops or Robbers?
Cops, for sure

34.Who from high school would you like to run into?
Not really anyone, but there's a guy from Air Force tech school I wish I could find.

35.What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
102.1 The Edge

36.Movies or Documentaries?
Movies.

37.The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
When I was pre-teen, the Cosby Show. When I was jr. High and above, the Simpsons.

38.Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Oh, lord, I am NOT going there.

39.Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Yes, I do.

40.How long have you had your current job?
Exactly one year on June 19th.

41.What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with?
Someone funny, I don't know who... or Johnny Depp (drool)

42.What famous person would you like to sleep with?
See the second half of the above answer!!!

43.Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Only once in the kitchen...

44.Last book you read for real?
"As opposed to just pretending to read?" Heheh... Well, I am reading Timeline by Michael Crighton for the umpteenth time, currently, because there wasn't anything else on the shelf. (Hey James, send me something of yours... Like, something YOU wrote!!!)

45.What is the last book you recommended to a friend?
Mists of Avalon

46.Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Under the spigot at an outdoor campsite

47.Have you ever woke up in a strange place and had no idea how you got there?
Well, I woke up fully clothed in an empty bathtub with no recollection of why I chose that place to pass out. That's as strange as it got.

48.If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
I’d be a mega-successful writer and that would be my full-time job. <--I am going to stick with James' answer. Adding "rich" to "mega-successful."

49.At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Career. I don't want a relationship right now.

50.Just how OLD are you?
Not nearly as old as I feel most days.

Mmmm, hungry....

Of course this comes from nurse-midwives...

Clinical Guideline Backs Food & Drink During Labor

Imagine training for the longest, hardest triathlon of your life. Physically and emotionally demanding, exhausting, draining, yet ultimately rewarding. You take care of yourself in the months leading up to this event, yet you aren't expected to be able to hydrate and/or nourish yourself DURING the event itself. (I know, triathletes don't eat during the marathon, but they drink and they have an intake of nurtrients.)

Labor is kinda like that. You're really working. It is hard, hard work, too. You utilize all your muscles and put your entire body and soul into the effort. It lasts a long time (in many cases). Regardless of how well you've prepared for this event, denying your body the basic nourishment it requires to keep up the strength you need and allowing only intravenous hydration is sheer torture.

My last hospital birth was cruel in this regard. They brought me in for induction on a Monday morning. I was instructed not to eat for the 12 hours preceeding my admission. So the last meal I had was at approximately 6pm Sunday night. (I was nine months pregnant, very hungry to begin with!) I was induced but the induction didn't take because, quite simply, she wasn't quite ready to be born (I was 37 weeks along). So I laid there in the hospital, being allowed nothing but ice chips and the saline IV, for 27 hours. Add the 13 hours that I hadn't eaten before being brought in, plus the long sleepless night wracked with painful contractions, and yet they expected me to have the energy to push out a 6lb, 8oz baby.

I did it. Only because the night before, I made my husband smuggle a 12-inch Subway Club (extra olives) in to my hospital room. I threatened him with increasingly gory forms of torture followed by a long, drawn-out death, if he didn't. I was still REALLY hungry. And of course, when she was born, it was a full two hours before the hospital served "lunch" (all I remember is that it tasted horrible, was quite cold and there wasn't enough of it). I never, ever understood why a laboring woman couldn't have sustenance to carry her through... because there's a less-than 3% chance she could require general anesthesia??

So... if I go out to eat, I should not drive home immediately because there's a chance I could get into a car crash that requires me to be rushed into surgery. And if I had just eaten, I might aspirate during surgery. Now that makes no sense and no one would recommend it. But it is, essentially, what's expected of birthing situations.

The midwives know - you can't deprive a laboring mother of food and drink and expect her to handle the situation well. Doctors... well, they seem to be way behind the rest in coming to such realizations. However, "Clinical Guidelines" or not, I doubt hospitals will begin allowing moms to eat after admission, because it's just not the way they think.

I'm so glad to be having another homebirth.

Too true to be funny... almost

55 More Words

Here we go again! Two Friday 55's in a row... I am on some kind of roll.

Within the cramped walls, I blandly recite sins to the bored, faceless entity behind the screen. I am sentenced to prayer, a penance easily accomplished. I leave church following confession feeling lightweight, buoyed by forgiveness not truly earned. My soul safe for another week, I live as I choose, unencumbered by guilt or personal accountability.

Friday 55

A story in 55 words exactly, to celebrate the coming weekend... I won't be driving anywhere, that's for sure.

Arriving at the station, there’s a deal! I swipe my card, recalling when I thought, “That’s the most I’ve ever paid…” That price was $3.17, and I glare at the sign: now 4 replaces 3. Those nostalgic days of yore existed only three months ago; my elation fades as my paycheck drains into the tank.

It's been awhile

Yeah, I have not posted in some time. Life's been a little on the hectic and upsetting side. I left my stupid, deadbeat husband, and had to leave all my possessions (and kids' possessions) as well. I've been trying to adjust to living with my friend, which is hard only because once you've spent your adult life living as head of your own household, it's not easy to adjust to being a part of someone else's. My kids are probably adjusting better than me, because as kids, they just SHOW their emotions, be it by screaming and crying, or by being combative, argumentative or disrespectful. Most of the time they are their typical, happy selves, but they have those moments of complete "melt-down," which is to be expected during an upheaval of this sort.

Me? I try to put on a happy face and try not to show any fear or pain.

I mean, of course no one expects me to be Miss Sunshine, but geez, I am 7 months pregnant and striking out into the waters of Single Mom-hood for the first time. Trying to psych oneself up for the anticipated custody battles and mind-games of a control-freak, abusive husband (who's all the more pissed for having been stripped of his control) is bad enough - trying to do it while full of raging pregnancy hormones is something else entirely. Something that might usually make you a little irritated and possibly upset suddenly has you crying uncontrollably at your desk while unsuccessfully attempting to make your co-workers believe it's just allergies. Half the people here don't even know I've done this. The other half don't know what to say.

I don't want him back - I would not survive more of that kind of life. And my kids deserve so much better. But I am not ready for the fight, even though I know I am in the best position to win it. I just want to fast-forward about a year into the future, to where all this might be over or at least relatively MORE resolved than it is now. I can't even file papers on him - neither of us is currently in the county of residence that the filing would have to take place in. Which is the county we resided in for the last 90 days. (It means he can't file either.) Besides, nothing would come of it - a divorce can't be resolved or even really initiated until the baby is born.

I'm just tired, I guess. My life has been nothing but abuse and mind-games for the last 7 years. It just gets to you, especially once you finally get the strength to break out, but realize it isn't really over yet.

Sorry, guys. Just needed to get some of it off my chest.

A huge turn-off

World Wildlife Fund's Earth Hour is catching on across America following the tremendous success of last year's event in Sydney, Australia. This global phenomenon will spread across six continents in 2008, including hundreds of communities like yours in the United States.

Chicago will serve as the U.S. flagship city for Earth Hour in 2008, with Atlanta, Phoenix and San Francisco joining as leading partner cities. But everyone throughout the US and around the world is invited and encouraged to turn off their lights for an hour on March 29 at 8 p.m. local time--whether at home or at work, with friends and family or solo, in a big city or a small town.

What will you do when the lights are off? Why not change out those old energy-wasting light bulbs to new, inexpensive and efficient compact fluorescents. Earth Hour is also a perfect time to consider what you and your family can do in the days and months to reduce emissions and live more sustainably. They have lots of terrific ideas to get you started.

To alter the course of climate change we must act now. The U.S. is the world's leading emitter of carbon dioxide—over 20 tons per person every year. One person committed to reducing energy consumption can make a difference, and millions of us working together can change the world.

Let everyone know that you're a part of Earth Hour - sign up on the site and become part of the movement.

One hour, America. Earth Hour.

And Baby Makes Three!

After all this time with nothing to post, this is what I come up with.

Labor of Love

"To our neighbors, my wife, Nancy, and I don’t appear in the least unusual. To those in the quiet Oregon community where we live, we are viewed just as we are -- a happy couple deeply in love. Our desire to work hard, buy our first home, and start a family was nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until we decided that I would carry our child."

Basically, it's a normal, happy couple who are expecting their very first child. The only thing that makes it something the entire nation is yapping about is that it's the husband who is pregnant.

Because he is a legally-recognized male, it's noteworthy. Obviously, he was born as a female and did not have his girl-bits removed. So most of society is throwing a fit as if it was truly their business. I think it's sad that they can't find a doctor to help them, but I also think most of the time, pregnancy and childbirth is better off without tons of medical intervention anyway. If there's a problem, then by all means utilize the medical system - if you're healthy and have no complications, have a birth attendant (such as a midwife) and have your baby in a natural, loving environment such as a birth center or, (gasp) your home.

That would be my suggestion to this valiant, unconventional couple. Hire a midwife; have your baby in a birth center or at home. And by all means, keep your chins up - the world is gonna judge, but then again, doesn't it always? It takes a strong person to live a transgendered life with pride and security, and obviously this man and his wife have vast amounts of courage to take this step to have a family... and to go public with it.

On an aside... he's due the same day as me! How cool is that??

The ones you didn't get

Here's the movies no one guessed:

#5. Under the Tuscan Sun

#9. The Thirteenth Warrior

What a fun little game! Now, back to your regularly scheduled lives.

Wanna watch a movie with me?

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly in the comments, and put who correctly identified the film.
5. NO Googling or using IMDb search functions.

These are in no particular order of favoritism, and I have many more favorites than these, of course...

MOVIE #1: On the subway today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing. Jerm knew this - it's Se7en.

MOVIE #2: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Again for Jerm, an easy one: The Princess Bride.

MOVIE #3: They had enough of Nicky. They had enough. I mean, how much more were they gonna take? So, they made an example of him and his brother: they buried them while they were still breathing. Way to go, Carrie! She got Casino.

MOVIE #4: You don't got nothing to do with your life. Why don't you get a job? Work with lepers. Blind kids. Anything's gotta be better than lying around all day waiting for me to fuck you. This one was Scarface, again with Jerm's expert knowledge.

MOVIE #5: What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise.

MOVIE #6: He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there. Jerm says it's The Wedding Singer.

MOVIE #7: Nothing to it is there? Remember, they love money so pretend like you own a gold mine and you're in the club. This one was Titanic. Carrie "sunk" it, har-har.

MOVIE #8: Those giraffes you sold me, they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me... queer giraffes. I want my money back. James got this one! It's Gladiator.

MOVIE #9: The All-Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer. Your fate is fixed. Fear profits a man nothing.

MOVIE #10: Don't blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal. I tried to pick an obscure quote from this one, but alas, Jerm nailed Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.

MOVIE #11: Ain't logical. Cuttin' on his own face, rapin' and murdering - Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman, or if I'm gettin' paid - mostly only when I'm gettin' paid. I was thinking something HAD to be wrong if Cory didn't get this one! It's from Serenity, of course.

MOVIE #12: I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not an Italian. She went to the movies with him; she stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey. And then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her, like an animal. An easy one for the Jerm-man, The Godfather.

MOVIE #13: As the sound of the playgrounds faded, the despair set in. Very odd, what happens in a world without children's voices. A newer flick, but apparently Jerm just watches movies all day. This one was Children of Men.

MOVIE #14: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated. As a token of our appreciation, we hope you will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles we've just sent to converge with your craft. To ensure ongoing quality of service, your death may be monitored for training purposes. Thank you. Now this one was easy. I knew Jerm would get Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I just didn't think he'd get almost all of them. Rock on, buddy!

MOVIE #15: Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation? Yes, James, this is a quote from Weekend at Bernie's! It's the first one - I love this goofy little movie but I despise the sequel.

There's a tear in my gas...

Just blowin' through records on a daily basis, we are. Three months ago, the ever-present Economists (supposedly the experts on the subject) were saying we'll never hit $100 a barrel in this country, because our economy, though strong, could not support the resulting surge in prices at the pump.

Blah-buh-blah buh-fucking-blah.

So today prices shot up above $109 a barrel in trading, and show no signs of slowing down. When we broke $3 per gallon at the pump last year, it was all over the news and no one could stop talking about it. It didn't last long, although it never really dropped very far after that. This year, long before the spring/summer driving rush, it breached the $3 mark again and no one even blinked. Yet, folks keep buying and buying, because they have to.

From MSNBC.com:
Where oil goes from here is anybody’s guess. Many analysts expect prices to moderate, while others predict oil could keep rising to $120 a barrel, or higher. And with demand for gas expected to rise as warm weather arrives, analysts say pump prices will likely spike as high as $3.50 to $3.75 a gallon, regardless of what happens with oil prices.

That doesn’t sit well with some consumers.

“I’ve got to say, if they ever go up to $3.50, that would be the point where I’d feel angry,” said Alex Magby, a Morrisville, Pa., resident who was gassing up near his New Jersey restaurant job one recent afternoon. “I’d feel cheated at that point.”

Cheated? I don't feel cheated. I feel like I am being screwed up the ass without the courtesy of that other petroleum by-product, Vaseline.

Personally, I don't buy like I used to - of course, I used to be able to budget $6o every two weeks for gas, which at the time put me pretty close to a full tank. That would last at least two weeks, if not longer, depending on where I went. Unfortunately, life having gotten harder and harder these past few months, I can now only eke out $20 or $30 for gas every two weeks. Now it doesn't even put me to half a tank, and I can ONLY drive to work and stop at the store on the way home, or I won't make it until the next gas-ration day.

If it goes up to $3.50 a gallon, $30 of gas won't make it two weeks for me, no matter how little I drive. Work isn't going to suddenly move closer. At $3.75, I am not sure what I'd do. My beloved, responsible DH** is again amongst the ranks of the unemployed (gnashing teeth) and so I already do not make enough for our ends to meet, so to speak. How can those schmucks out there who are, like me, classified as "working poor" possibly make it in a world where regular gasoline is $3.75 a gallon?

Because that means diesel will be well over $4 a gallon. And everything that we buy (including the gas itself) gets to us either on diesel-powered trucks, trains, ships or all of the above. Trickle-down economics, or the ol' shit-rolls-downhill verbage, certainly applies here. I flipped out the other day when I saw that my WIC checks now allow $4.80 for eggs - that means I can get two dozen eggs again, like I'm supposed to be able to get. (Usually, the allotment is at $4, which won't get two dozen eggs.) I saw milk at Walmart on sale for $3.50 a gallon and, after I dry-heaved in shock, found myself thankful that I was at least able to get MOST of my milk on WIC as well. (That's the Walmart brand, too... the name-brand - which probably comes from the same set of cows - costs over $5 a gallon. And people are BUYING IT!!!)

Well, all you can do is hang on... and hope something happens sooner or later, I guess.

**DH stands for Dear Husband or Darling Husband on most mommy-oriented chat boards I frequent. However, it also stands for Dick Head, which is the term I prefer to apply in this particular situation.

No.... really???

Economists See Growing Signs of Recession

WHAT???!!!?!?

I'm shocked.

Pregnancy 101

MOTHER
Name:: Angie
Date of Birth:: 2-25
Place of Birth:: Las Vegas
Current Location:: Texas
Hair:: Red
Eyes:: Green
Height:: 4'10" and a half

FATHER
Name:: David
Date of Birth:: 12-6
Place of Birth:: Agua Dulce
Current Location:: Texas
Hair:: Black & gray
Eyes:: brown
Height:: 5'7"

THE PREGNANCY
Were you planning to have a baby?: Nope
When did you conceive?: Oct 10
How did you find out you were pregnant?: Kept getting nauseated, tired all the time. Took a test, bam! Two lines
When did you get you first go to the doctor?: Haven't been to a doctor. First midiwfe appointment was Dec. 21
Do you know the gender?: Not yet
What names do you have picked out?: Jayson or Alyson
Does the baby move a lot?: Yep
How is the baby's heartbeat?: Fine - 136 at last appointment
First change you noticed in your body?: Same as always - tired all the time
Have you taken birthing classes yet?: Don't need to. I could TEACH them.
When is the baby due?: July 3
Where are you having the baby?: Gentle Beginnings Birth Center
Are you scared to give birth?: Nope
Are you going to breastfeed or use the bottle?: Boobies, all the way
What's the nursery theme?: Crammed into bed with mom for lack of room - but wouldn't have a "nursery" anyway
Have you had morning sickness?: Until about week 15
Any cravings?: Salty stuff and carbs
How much weight have you gained?: About 8 pounds so far
Do you still feel attractive?: Pregnant women rock, so yeah
How do you feel when people touch your belly?: Depends on who it is. Most people, get the fuck off me.
Do you talk to your tummy?: Only inside my own head. Not out loud.
Do you have any Godparents picked out?: Uh, no.
Is this your first baby?: Not even CLOSE.
Do you think you'll be a good parent?: *I* will be, he sucks as one.
What religion do you want him/her to be?: None. I want them to choose their own
Would you let someone videotape the birth?: Not on your life.
Natural or Medicated birth?: Totally natural
Have you had Braxton Hicks Contractions?: Yep.
Worst thing about being pregnant?: This time it's the acne. I don't usually have an issue with that, though.
Best thing about being pregnant?: My boobies came back. Nice to see ya, girls.

Another Year Older

My birthday is Monday. At 34 years, I guess I can officially say I've entered my mid-30s. Doesn't make me feel too old. Being able to say "I have a teenaged daughter..." now THAT makes me feel old. Especially when placed alongside the fact that I'm 5 months pregnant with my 6th child.

I'm starting to just feel tired, now.

Anyway, I don't expect any gifts. I will be surprised if anyone but my 4-year old son (almost 5, he won't let you forget it) even acknowleges it. Which is okay (and my son just wants another excuse to have cake). In any case, if anyone gets a wild hair, and really feels like getting me a darned thing, here's some gift ideas.

I spent the morning on Amazon.com, and have come up with a rather comprehensive list of the things that would certainly make me happy.... or at least give me some really cool conversation pieces...

First, there's this:

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

If you're going to get me a personal tank, be sure to include the optional Defense Package... I'd like the swivel-based .50 caliber machine gun and side-mounted surface-to-air missile launchers. A nice infrared radar system would be cool, too.

If that's a little pricey, try:

Elk Carcass

Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a little carcass. You got to read the reviews on this product - it's beyond hilarious.

Cheaper still:

Radioactive sample of Uranium Ore

My Geiger counter has been acting up lately, and I just don't know what to do about it. Is it the batteries, or is it just old? Maybe time for a new one? Before I throw it out, I'd like to test it... and this is the perfect thing.

In case I get popped for a random drug test, I'll have:

Dr. John’s Famous Pee-Pee

Perfect for those irritating urinalysis tests that always seem to get sprung on you just after that wild weekend crack party you hosted at your place. This stuff is guaranteed to be in every way just like real (but clean) urine. Since they usually watch you pee in the cup, though, how you solve the problem of delivering it at body temperature to the lab tech is up to you.

I know I'm clean, but just for laughs, for that drug test I think I'll use:

100% Wolf Urine

There's nothing like the smell of wild canine piss in the morning. I've always wanted to see if I could lure a slavering, bloodthirsty beast onto my balcony - and this is just the thing. If nothing else, it'll drive the neighbor's dog absolutely nuts.

Happy shopping folks! And if nothing else, cash and gift cards are always welcome.

Huh?

I totally did NOT understand this headline when I first read it:

Man in Light Shooting Hands Out Bears

My initial thought was…”what??? WTF does THAT mean??”

I sat there and stared at it until my head hurt. Then I read the story and it made sense. Not very interesting, and I still have a headache, but at least I understood it.

http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2008/02/07/1285542-man-in-light-shooting-hands-out-bears

It’s the headline that was worth mentioning because I completely did not get it. And I’m pretty smart… but it made me feel like I was thoroughly missing something.

I hate that feeling.

Things that don't surprise me

Wall Street Stocks Slump Again
Why does this seem to be such huge news? The economy sucks. All the politicians and media-hounds who say otherwise are just in denial, or trying to cover their asses.

Kids With ADHD Are More Likely To Be Bullies
All the bullies I remember in school were the ones with attention problems, back then called "hyperactive" or "problem children." The geeky little bookworms (like me) were the ones GETTING bullied.

Roger Clemens Denies Steroid Use
Like he's gonna admit it. The only celebrity I have ever seen who admits using growth hormones is Stallone. He's even proud of it.

And, my favorite:
Huckabee Wins in West Virginia
It's the only possible place he COULD have won. That's what happens when you let hillbillies vote before making them learn how to read. They're going to pick the candidate with the name that sounds best to them.

55 words for Friday

Here's my contribution for the Friday 55 - a short story in fifty-five words exactly.

********************************
Sunlight streaming through the window makes a bright patch on the rug, highlighting myriad colors swirling into patterns: some fiber, some fur. Gracefully, fluidly, the repetition of stripes flows upwards, stretching outward, turning clockwise before curling back into the compact form of the drowsy cat, blending like camouflage into the background of her naptime nest.

********************************

Congratulations, Cheneys!

Welcome to the newest addition to the Bloop, Kaia Madeline Cheney!

What a beautiful name for the little one.

Congratulations, you guys! All the best to your family!

Mass Frenzy...

...over nothing.

It starts out with a few people seeing some small orange lights in the evening sky. By the time it’s over, there’s a major UFO research group scouring the area and the small town has landed on international news.

I’m speaking, of course, of Stephenville, Texas, January 2008. Or Roswell, circa mid-1940s. Whatever. Different date, same story.

Some folks who were in a helicopter flying over the area at the time (Stephenville time, anyway) saw the mysterious lights from a distance. Being a former military pilot, the guy flying the chopper recognized them for what they were: flares. Military test flights dropping flares off in the distance. Simple, yet nothing the military will talk about because, after all, that type of thing is top-secret to someone, somewhere.

Now, however, there are Area Residents Who Are Telling Their Stories, and from small orange lights in the distance, it's become giant glowing blue lights hovering over town, reports of bouncing, glowing objects picked up by an infrared camera (who has infrared surveillance cameras on a FARM???), and one woman EVEN saw two saucer-shaped objects larger than a football field.

I wonder how everyone else missed that? Personally, I think if there were saucer-shaped plate-things 100 yards long hovering in the sky, THAT would have certainly made the news first - forget about small orange lights in the distance. Everyone seemed to have seen something, yet only that lady witnessed flying saucers. (I imagine her with curlers, in a floral housecoat, missing a few teeth, pale arm flashing into the sky as she gestures towards the distance above her trailer to show the reporter where the visitors hovered.)

The sheer, raging stupidity of the mass of sheep that call themselves modern, evolved and educated human beings utterly boggles my mind at times.

7 Things About Me!

The creative and inspiring James Goodman tagged lil' old me for this meme. I feel honored. This is how it works:

I’ll think of 7 things that you all don’t know about me. That could be interesting, because as you know, I'm not very secretive about my life! Between surveys and random rants, I've spilled a lot of guts lately...

Now for The Rules:
---Link to the person who tagged you;
---Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours;
---Post the rules on your blog;
---Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog;
---Tag 7 random people at the end of your post;
---Include links to their blogs;
---Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven Things About Me:

1. I cannot wink with my right eye. I can tip the left one shut by itself with no problem, but when the right one closes, so does the left.

2. As a child, I only lost two baby teeth by myself. The rest had to be pulled by a dentist, due to abnormally long roots that didn't dissolve. The last one to come out was yanked by a specialist when I was 18.

3. I haven't been to a barber shop or beauty salon for a professional haircut in over 4 years. A friend trimmed my hair about 18 months ago, but that's been it... it's just been "growing out" all that time.

4. I was ambidextrous as a child, but lost the ability to write legibly with my left hand sometime in high school.

5. I have 4 tattoos, but I have never even dated a guy who was inked. I was 26 when I got my first one (a botched Star Wars symbol that has since been covered by a large Bacardi bat).

6. I do not like sugar. Of any kind. Fruit, candy, soda, cakes, cookies... they all make me sick. My mother thought it was a food allergy when I was a baby, but testing revealed that I am lacking the tastebuds that most folks have that allow them to enjoy the taste of sweetness. Things still taste sweet to me, they just don't taste good.

7. Although I was not raised by my biological parents, I was never formally adopted by the parents that brought me up. They remained my "legal guardians" throughout my childhood. Because of this, I had to go to court as a teenager to legally change my name from what it read on my birth certificate: Betty Mae Murphy.

That wasn't so hard. Now, let's see... who should go next? I think it should be:

Jerm
Sneff
Cory
Wicasta
Guru
Andia
Truvy

Don't forget to comment here to let me know if you've decided to play along!

Flowers

So there's this huge bunch of roses on my desk, in a pretty little glass vase. I haven't gotten flowers in a long time, let alone roses, so I set them up proudly on the reception shelf. Now all day everyone who walks by stops and sniffs them, then compliments them and asks me with a big smile if it's my birthday or anniversary.

It's not. I smile politely and say I helped out some folks, so they got me some flowers. Just that, and the next thing you know, the questions start.. "Wow, you must have really helped! So... uh... you know... what did you do??"

It's not that I am not proud of having helped this family out. And I'm grateful for the beautiful flowers. But, it's such a sad story, and it just wipes the smile right off people's faces. Not wanting to lie, though, and feeling like crap anyway (so I just want these well-meaning folks to go away and leave me alone) I end up telling an abridged version of the sad story.

Several years ago, a middle-aged man worked for here, well not HERE, but for American Airlines in general. He was on the ground crew at the airport. Anyway, he hasn't worked here since 2005. Estranged from his family, he kind of lived his own life and did his own thing.

Last October, he went camping in Utah. Somehow, some way, he went missing. They found his campsite, apparently, but no sign of him. His family, in Colorado, did what they could to locate him, but it's as if he just disappeared.

Until December 23. Two days before Christmas, another camper in the area stumbled upon a body. Based on the proximity to the original campsite of the missing former-AA employee, as well as other factors (presumable clothing and/or jewelry, I'm not sure of the details), the Sherriff's office was fairly certain this was "Tom," and contacted his family to get some more information. Like dental records.

Tom's family did not have this information, and the medical examiner's office in Utah could not release the body without positive medical confirmation of his identity. Their next option? Fingerprints. Tom was among the people who work closely with aircraft at a major post-9/11 airport, so surely the company would have his fingerprints!

This is where I come in. Not knowing who to call, the late Tom's sister called the director of Employee Services on December 26. That was quite possibly the SLOWEST day of the year for the people in the headquarters building of this company. Well, my direct boss is the director of HR - Finance. My other duty is to backfill for the secretary to the Managing Director of... you got it... HR - Delivery, which includes Employee Services. So I caught the call.

Over the next week, I sent the request to five or six different people, managers and directors and their assistants, because the problems was that when they pulled his records from archiving in the Tulsa warehouse, there were no fingerprints in it. Having been ground crew, he did have them, but the fear was that they were digitally archived, and those files are purged 6 months after the employee leaves the company.

Finally, through some miracle, we found a digital copy of Tom's fingerprints. I was able to get them scanned and sent to the medical examiner's office. They confirmed that the body they had was Tom's, providing closure for his family and a chance to lay him to rest properly.

The family sent me the flowers in appreciation of my work to get the prints to the right people. This was their very last option for identification, short of the drawn-out, expensive and emotionally draining process of DNA testing.

So I have beautiful flowers on my desk that make people smile. The story of how they got there is a little sad and depressing. I'm glad I could help this hurting family, whose holiday season turned unexpectedly bittersweet and wrenching. I think, though, that I'll take the flowers home today. They're pretty here on my desk... but it's just a reminder of the strange and sorrowful paths life can sometimes take.

Honesty - The Best Policy

1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
Dark blue & white stripes with a purple waistband... sounds funky, but they're really quite nice.

2. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Many unpleasant things, such as childcare arrangements and how much I'd love to be away from certain people.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Not working, filling out pointless surveys.

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
Corrected some people's vacation time in the system, requested a pseudo-ID for a contractor, calculated the number of diapers I've changed in my life, typed a few emails... and did surveys.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Not so much. It could be worse, though, I could look like my sibling Monica... she makes a freight train take a dirt road.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Hmmm. I haven't done my walking exercise. That's bad, at least according to the midwife.

7. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
No, because I don't have cable.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
No, not really. That's a pointless emotion if there ever was one.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Being with my children while away from their father.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
No, but I chew on my cuticles.

11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
Rather gloomy, slightly depressed, lethargic and kind of hopeless.

12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
Nope. Only that I don't eat enough.

13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. Several someones.

14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
Not really. Everything about me, there's at least ONE person who knows it.

17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
My little ones.

18. Honestly, are you loyal?
Obviously. I'm still with the schmuck I married, and no matter how miserable I am, I've never strayed.

19. Honestly, are you in denial?
Not really. Nothing to deny.

20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
HONESTLY??? No. That's one of the last things I want to do.

21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
Asteroid Jim.

22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
I've imbibed it, drank it, swigged it, chugged it, sipped it, slurped it, slammed it, shot it, gulped it, guzzled it, and sucked it through a straw. So, I think the answer to that would be yeah, I have definitely consumed it a time or two.

23. Honestly, do you like someone?
No, I live in a fucking cave and I only speak to the voices in my head. OF COURSE I like someone. LOTS of someones.

24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
Shit, I hope so. They act like they do. They say they do. If I start thinking they're all lying to me, then I start sounding paranoid and psychotic like my husband!

25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
OOOOHHH, you mean LIKE-like!!! Ah-hah. Now I get it. Then I revise the answers to the previous two questions. Yes, I kinda like someone but not in the way that would ever amount to anything other than the occasional daydream. No, I don't think anyone likes me like that. And nothing's going anywhere with the person I like because I won't let it. They don't even know.

26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
I guess. Does it matter?

See what happens?

So, due to various factors (dealing with pregnancy fatigue and morning sickness, the holiday stress, being on the threshhold of hell with regards to my marriage, and general laziness) I haven't posted ANYTHING on, or even been monitoring the Bloop for what seems like eons. Weeks, it's been, actually.

Usually, I keep an eagle-eye on the price of crude oil. I don't know why. Seriously, the price jumped between its all-time trading high of $99.29 and its mid-December niceties in the low-$90 range, and in November even dropped back into the $80s. Yet the actual price at the pump really didn't fluctuate all that much. Two weeks ago, I filled up for $2.71 a gallon, a darn good price if you ask me (trying hard not to think that it was $1.47 in 2000, and I remember $0.99 in the mid-1990s). Two weeks before that, I filled up for $2.72 a gallon. It really wasn't moving, so I started to lose interest.

For the longest time, all the doomsayers went on and on about how it would hit $100 a barrel by the end of the year (2007, that was). I believed it, then I saw all the prices drop, and my little "Pain In The Gas" doo-hickey over there to your right never got its thingie lit up anymore (the thingie that says ***Indicates new record high). So, yawn, I started thinking, like every other American sheep in the fold, eh, it'll never happen. And it didn't.

It waited until the 2nd day of 2008 to hit $100 a barrel. That was yesterday. I missed it.

So now, in trading, it is around $99.50, hovering there steadily, tap-dancing all over the previous trading high, and yesterday it hit $100.09 in trading, touching on $100 again today. What made me check was that I noticed I need gas again this morning (living closer to work now, I fill up every two weeks, give or take, which has been mighty helpful to the ol' checkbook). I smiled quietly to myself and thought of how it only takes $60 to fill up my lovely red truck, blissfully refusing to remember the $75 I dumped for a tank last May when the price at the pump was a staggering $3.04 a gallon. As I drove past RaceTrac, I wondered if I would have the $60 left over after paying the rent, and I glanced up at the sign... and my quiet smile faded. $2.71 was gone! Now it was $2.88! HUH?? Further down the street, at Citgo (where I won't stop anyway) it was $2.94! WTF?

Upon arriving at work, I read the $100 a barrel news, and now I know why. The holidays are over, the oil companies know we have nothing else to spend our money on (you know, rent and food and electricity are such trivial things!) and so they're raising the prices at the pump to reflect the price per barrel. They're blaming some sort of production shortage in Mexico and violence in Venezuela. Of course, if not for that, they'd be blaming the toenail fungus of a major political figure in Uzbekistan. It's always something.

So, I paid my rent today, giving me $104 to make it through the next two weeks. (Only because I saved $150 from my last check to begin with... one whole check isn't enough for the rent.) Now the $60 gas allotment isn't going to give me a full tank. I guess I will have to be satisfied with whatever it DOES give me. The remaining $44 has to go to diapers and maybe some bread, maybe not. Apple juice, possibly... the kids like that stuff. Milk is free... thank goodness for WIC.

One good bit of news - I took Jerm's advice. The man who breathes the air and eats the food at home still hasn't gotten a job... so I shut off his internet. Booya.