22 February 2008

Pregnancy 101

MOTHER
Name:: Angie
Date of Birth:: 2-25
Place of Birth:: Las Vegas
Current Location:: Texas
Hair:: Red
Eyes:: Green
Height:: 4'10" and a half

FATHER
Name:: David
Date of Birth:: 12-6
Place of Birth:: Agua Dulce
Current Location:: Texas
Hair:: Black & gray
Eyes:: brown
Height:: 5'7"

THE PREGNANCY
Were you planning to have a baby?: Nope
When did you conceive?: Oct 10
How did you find out you were pregnant?: Kept getting nauseated, tired all the time. Took a test, bam! Two lines
When did you get you first go to the doctor?: Haven't been to a doctor. First midiwfe appointment was Dec. 21
Do you know the gender?: Not yet
What names do you have picked out?: Jayson or Alyson
Does the baby move a lot?: Yep
How is the baby's heartbeat?: Fine - 136 at last appointment
First change you noticed in your body?: Same as always - tired all the time
Have you taken birthing classes yet?: Don't need to. I could TEACH them.
When is the baby due?: July 3
Where are you having the baby?: Gentle Beginnings Birth Center
Are you scared to give birth?: Nope
Are you going to breastfeed or use the bottle?: Boobies, all the way
What's the nursery theme?: Crammed into bed with mom for lack of room - but wouldn't have a "nursery" anyway
Have you had morning sickness?: Until about week 15
Any cravings?: Salty stuff and carbs
How much weight have you gained?: About 8 pounds so far
Do you still feel attractive?: Pregnant women rock, so yeah
How do you feel when people touch your belly?: Depends on who it is. Most people, get the fuck off me.
Do you talk to your tummy?: Only inside my own head. Not out loud.
Do you have any Godparents picked out?: Uh, no.
Is this your first baby?: Not even CLOSE.
Do you think you'll be a good parent?: *I* will be, he sucks as one.
What religion do you want him/her to be?: None. I want them to choose their own
Would you let someone videotape the birth?: Not on your life.
Natural or Medicated birth?: Totally natural
Have you had Braxton Hicks Contractions?: Yep.
Worst thing about being pregnant?: This time it's the acne. I don't usually have an issue with that, though.
Best thing about being pregnant?: My boobies came back. Nice to see ya, girls.

21 February 2008

Another Year Older

My birthday is Monday. At 34 years, I guess I can officially say I've entered my mid-30s. Doesn't make me feel too old. Being able to say "I have a teenaged daughter..." now THAT makes me feel old. Especially when placed alongside the fact that I'm 5 months pregnant with my 6th child.

I'm starting to just feel tired, now.

Anyway, I don't expect any gifts. I will be surprised if anyone but my 4-year old son (almost 5, he won't let you forget it) even acknowleges it. Which is okay (and my son just wants another excuse to have cake). In any case, if anyone gets a wild hair, and really feels like getting me a darned thing, here's some gift ideas.

I spent the morning on Amazon.com, and have come up with a rather comprehensive list of the things that would certainly make me happy.... or at least give me some really cool conversation pieces...

First, there's this:

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

If you're going to get me a personal tank, be sure to include the optional Defense Package... I'd like the swivel-based .50 caliber machine gun and side-mounted surface-to-air missile launchers. A nice infrared radar system would be cool, too.

If that's a little pricey, try:

Elk Carcass

Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a little carcass. You got to read the reviews on this product - it's beyond hilarious.

Cheaper still:

Radioactive sample of Uranium Ore

My Geiger counter has been acting up lately, and I just don't know what to do about it. Is it the batteries, or is it just old? Maybe time for a new one? Before I throw it out, I'd like to test it... and this is the perfect thing.

In case I get popped for a random drug test, I'll have:

Dr. John’s Famous Pee-Pee

Perfect for those irritating urinalysis tests that always seem to get sprung on you just after that wild weekend crack party you hosted at your place. This stuff is guaranteed to be in every way just like real (but clean) urine. Since they usually watch you pee in the cup, though, how you solve the problem of delivering it at body temperature to the lab tech is up to you.

I know I'm clean, but just for laughs, for that drug test I think I'll use:

100% Wolf Urine

There's nothing like the smell of wild canine piss in the morning. I've always wanted to see if I could lure a slavering, bloodthirsty beast onto my balcony - and this is just the thing. If nothing else, it'll drive the neighbor's dog absolutely nuts.

Happy shopping folks! And if nothing else, cash and gift cards are always welcome.

08 February 2008

Huh?

I totally did NOT understand this headline when I first read it:

Man in Light Shooting Hands Out Bears

My initial thought was…”what??? WTF does THAT mean??”

I sat there and stared at it until my head hurt. Then I read the story and it made sense. Not very interesting, and I still have a headache, but at least I understood it.

http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2008/02/07/1285542-man-in-light-shooting-hands-out-bears

It’s the headline that was worth mentioning because I completely did not get it. And I’m pretty smart… but it made me feel like I was thoroughly missing something.


I hate that feeling.

05 February 2008

Things that don't surprise me

Wall Street Stocks Slump Again
Why does this seem to be such huge news? The economy sucks. All the politicians and media-hounds who say otherwise are just in denial, or trying to cover their asses.

Kids With ADHD Are More Likely To Be Bullies
All the bullies I remember in school were the ones with attention problems, back then called "hyperactive" or "problem children." The geeky little bookworms (like me) were the ones GETTING bullied.

Roger Clemens Denies Steroid Use
Like he's gonna admit it. The only celebrity I have ever seen who admits using growth hormones is Stallone. He's even proud of it.

And, my favorite:
Huckabee Wins in West Virginia
It's the only possible place he COULD have won. That's what happens when you let hillbillies vote before making them learn how to read. They're going to pick the candidate with the name that sounds best to them.