Another Year Older

My birthday is Monday. At 34 years, I guess I can officially say I've entered my mid-30s. Doesn't make me feel too old. Being able to say "I have a teenaged daughter..." now THAT makes me feel old. Especially when placed alongside the fact that I'm 5 months pregnant with my 6th child.

I'm starting to just feel tired, now.

Anyway, I don't expect any gifts. I will be surprised if anyone but my 4-year old son (almost 5, he won't let you forget it) even acknowleges it. Which is okay (and my son just wants another excuse to have cake). In any case, if anyone gets a wild hair, and really feels like getting me a darned thing, here's some gift ideas.

I spent the morning on Amazon.com, and have come up with a rather comprehensive list of the things that would certainly make me happy.... or at least give me some really cool conversation pieces...

First, there's this:

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

If you're going to get me a personal tank, be sure to include the optional Defense Package... I'd like the swivel-based .50 caliber machine gun and side-mounted surface-to-air missile launchers. A nice infrared radar system would be cool, too.

If that's a little pricey, try:

Elk Carcass

Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a little carcass. You got to read the reviews on this product - it's beyond hilarious.

Cheaper still:

Radioactive sample of Uranium Ore

My Geiger counter has been acting up lately, and I just don't know what to do about it. Is it the batteries, or is it just old? Maybe time for a new one? Before I throw it out, I'd like to test it... and this is the perfect thing.

In case I get popped for a random drug test, I'll have:

Dr. John’s Famous Pee-Pee

Perfect for those irritating urinalysis tests that always seem to get sprung on you just after that wild weekend crack party you hosted at your place. This stuff is guaranteed to be in every way just like real (but clean) urine. Since they usually watch you pee in the cup, though, how you solve the problem of delivering it at body temperature to the lab tech is up to you.

I know I'm clean, but just for laughs, for that drug test I think I'll use:

100% Wolf Urine

There's nothing like the smell of wild canine piss in the morning. I've always wanted to see if I could lure a slavering, bloodthirsty beast onto my balcony - and this is just the thing. If nothing else, it'll drive the neighbor's dog absolutely nuts.

Happy shopping folks! And if nothing else, cash and gift cards are always welcome.