Do Not Attempt

Have you ever seen those commercials (of course you have) where the car/truck/SUV is driving super fast around a tight curve, or bouncing merrily through muddy streambeds, or hurling themselves over the tops of sandy dunes? And there it is, in teeny-tiny little print on the bottom of the screen, "Professional Driver. Closed Course. Do Not Attempt." Well, duh. I like my truck. I have no intention of breaking an axle trying to scream over the top of a couple of fallen trees in the middle of the woods. I tend to stick to well-paved surfaces, or at least whatever passes for roads in Texas.

I even saw a commercial with a Ford (I think) that was driving all over the place - literally up the sides of buildings and across ledges with only two tires actually on a surface, like it was driving on the air itself. And the little message popped up on the bottom, but it was tongue-in-cheek: "Yes, this is fake. Cars can't really drive on buildings." or some such.

Then there's this: an AT&T high-speed internet commercial that shows a fast car, signifying how much faster you can go with their service (which is bull), how much more streamlined and cool it is, etc. etc. It has the usual disclaimer at the bottom, Closed Course Do Not Attempt. This is where I'm confused. Attempt what? Because the car, you see, is just driving down the road. It's going fast, yes, but it's just a straight, flat road with no turns, stops or signals. It's even in the correct lane. So.... what is it that this professional driver is singularly qualified to do that the average person should not attempt? Driving straight down an open road? Accelerating? Maybe it's where he stops... not abruptly, but just stops.

It seems to me that these advertising companies have taken the ol' cover-your-ass-with-fine-print-disclaimers thing a little over the top. I'm sure that if someone were to get into a single-vehicle rollover crash and they tried to sue AT&T for having a commercial that showing car driving down the road, disclaimer or not, the case would probably get thrown out of court.

Then again, this is a legal system where wealthy judges are allowed to bring multi-million dollar cases against working-class immigrants over a thousand-dollar pair of pants. So who knows?